It’s been over a week and I still can’t shake the image. Her bovine body…bloated face…open mouth…chewing…and chewing…
<object width="425" height="([0-9]+)"><param name="movie" value="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)"><\/param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><\/param><embed src="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)" type="application\/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="([0-9]+)" height="([0-9]+)"><\/embed><\/object>
It was horrible. But first, the…
Home game
I was running a little late for my WSOP Vegas trip number 2, jamming for a Saturday morning flight out of LAX into Las Vegas to meet
lakong and
Shaniac for breakfast and maybe hunt down
nath and
Adanthar before Event #38.
I'd overslept after dealing a home tournament the Friday night before. It’s a real berry patch but becoming a bit of a pain. I deal one table and supervise another, the food's terrible, the smoking's a drag and it's an hour in traffic to get there. AND the host always forgets to restock Jack Daniels. I keep telling myself "Never again", but it’s at the home of a good friend and it's so SOFT…
This particular Friday night we had 18 players for a $100 buy-in freeze-out. The skill mix of players ranges from bad to horrible with two of my favorite indicators of EV- decision-making—smoking and tattoos—prominent. Don’t get me wrong, I like a lower back tat (on a girl) as much as the next guy, but Chinese characters or tribal images on a Hispanic or white guy? If he’s not in prison, I think even Mike Tyson’s gonna check the mirror when he’s mid-50s or so and regret the face tattoo. And smoking's been a known carcinogen for what, 40 years now?
Even without body art and controlled substances, the play’s laughable. Guys are super loose early and then, with the bubble in sight, they seize up like an engine without oil. Here's a sampling of the bumbling…
Hand 1. Early in the tournament, I picked up KK in the BB. With one limper to me, I raised 4x the blinds. In this game, there are three types of raises—min raises, 10+x raises and me raising 3-4x depending on position. The flop was Q high rags and I made a half pot bet. “I know you have a good hand.” he winced and called. Turn was an A, not so good in this game. I bet half the pot again. Call. Ugh. River's a blank. I checked, basically insisting that he take the pot from me with any decent bet, but he whiffed the cue and checked behind. KK > TT. Nice.
Hand 2. With the blinds at 100/200, a 15x stack in no danger of blinding out pushed and was insta-called by a somewhat larger stack. The original raiser showed 32o (light for even this game) and the caller, a more reasonable KK. 2 on the flop, 2 on the turn…32o > KK and is promptly renamed The Conrad, after its talented proponent.
Hand 3. Down to 14 players with the blinds at 100/200, there was an UTG raise to me with KK—I re-raised. Behind me in rapid succession…all-in…all-in…original raiser all-in. I had everyone covered and called with confidence. KK v AQ v 88 v AK and, frankly, I was surprised at the quality of the hands—there’s usually a misplaced AJo or QJs in this mix. I feared the worst, but K on the flop and I knocked three guys out at once. Note to self: tip the dealer.
A few hands later, we consolidated to one table and I was feeling good with the #2 stack. #1 stack was a calling station and I could pretty much walk into the money from here. Until, of course…
Hand 4. Blinds were 200/400, two limpers to me with TT with a stack of 7500 or so. I made it 2000 straight hoping to narrow it down. Big stack called. Flop came Kx9. Checked to me, I bet out 2000. Big stack called. Turn was a T, at the site of which, he…pushed? I dismissed the possible straight and called only to be shown QJo for the nifty “out-of-position limp/call pre-flop, call flop bet with gutter and turn a straight” push. The river bricked and I was out two spots from the money. I briefly considered beating him to death with a pizza box but decided that I couldn’t conceivably post bail in time for my morning flight and instead opted to take a little break to regroup.
The great thing about dealing this game is that when I take a beat like that, I get to stick around and see my chips squandered away. I’ve never been divorced but it strikes me kind of like making alimony payments. You know you’re paying some personal trainer somewhere, and for what? Her butt’s never fitting into a size 4 (and certainly not for your benefit) and there’s no fixing stupid. True to form, chip leader started spewing—limp calling any two—and blew off half his stack limp calling Q3o all-in pre-flop v KK. He finished third, I think. The rest of the evening was more of the same spewage with a God-sent chop around midnight. Never again…
Event #38 No Limit Hold’em $1500 buy-in
As it turns out, I made the flight easily and got into Vegas around 9:30. I grabbed a Town Car over to lakong’s hotel and we head over to the Rio to meet Shaniac for breakfast. When we got there, the line at the Sao Paolo Café was a good 30+ minutes, not good. Fortunately, lakong channeled his inner New Yorker and annoyed them into giving us Platinum player card treatment. Shaniac, kong and I caught up a little over egg white omelettes and then made our way over to Amazon room.
Event #38 was a $1500 NL event with another nice Saturday turn-out—2,778 entries for a prize pool of $3.8 million total prize pool, $673,628 to the winner. I was hoping to hook up with
Adanthar and
nath but both ran late and were in the alternate line when the tournament started.
Two hands in, at 25/50, it was folded to me holding 9

8

in MP. I raised to 150 and the BB (some dude from NYC) called. Q22 flop and he led out for 150. WTF…do I look that much like a weak tight chooch? I’m re-raising that bullshit BB lead out 100% of the time. 99% of the time, he’s not sporting a set and certainly not here. I made it 450 and he collapsed like McCain’s fledging presidential bid.
A quick look around the table.
#10 seat was Isaac Haxton, runner up at the 2007 PCA.
#9 seat was…uh…I can’t remember.
#8 seat was the New Yorker from hand above.
#7 seat was a Swedish guy. He and Isaac seemed to know each other and chattered non-stop about online high stakes cash game hands, every one of which was “SO sick.”
#6 seat was a Jabba the Hut look-alike sporting garish neck chains and a Commerce Casino hat. And not just any CC hat—the cheesy one with the gold lame lettering. Two or three hands into the tournament, he set up a portable fan in a room that was running about 50 degrees Farenheit. Nice, Jabba is a sweater.
#5 was a likable kid who’s laughing off that he’s sharing the dealer box with Jabba the Sweaty Hut.
#4 seat was a big guy in sunglasses who looked like he could play.
#3 seat was a recently engaged weak tightie from NC.
#2 seat was me.
#1 seat to my right was a 40-ish guy dress in all black. Black suit, black silk shirt. Dude, this is $1500 event on a Saturday afternoon. Hold the suave.
Some hands…
At 25/50, I’m on the dealer button with 99. The cutoff (Man in Black) limped and I raised to 200. Flop was 866. MIB checked to me, and I bet 350. Limp/caller check-raised to $650 but didn’t look happy about it so I tossed in three one hundred chips. Turn was a Q. Checked to me. I checked behind planning to call a reasonable non-A river bet. River was a deuce and he again checked to me. I figure I’m good here for sure and bet 700. He called and showed 99 for a split pot. Ok, that was too much thinking for a chop.
At 50/100, Jabba raised to 300 from the dealer button. The Swedish kid, in the small blind with 1350 chips, re-raised to 800, and Jabba put him in. Jabba showed AQs; Swedish kid showed A3o. A3o < AQs and Isaac needed someone new to talk to.
Soon after, either losing his will to live or anxious to continue the conversation at the rail, Isaac shoved on a MP raiser for about 1500. The original raiser called instantly with AA; Isaac showed 88. Funny, he never broke stride from the story he was telling to the guy next to him. Flop was A99 and Isaac was out.
At the same 50/100 level, Man in Black again limped from the dealer button. With a K66 flop, an UTG limper bet 200 into the 400-ish pot. MIB starts counting out chips, shaking like John Daly with a Diet Coke, and called. I’m not sure why EP continued to bet with the I HAVE A SIX sign flashing, but he did. More shaking by MIB…call. Finally, EP shut down at the river but still called a half pot river bet. MIB proudly showed J

6

. Gee, no kidding. I guess the black suit does have the added advantage that if he wet his pants it wouldn’t show.
A few hands later, Jabba raised to 350 from the CO and the big blind re-raised to 1300. Jabba called and the flop fell QTx. Check. Check. Turn was a blank. Check. Check. River was a K. Check. Check. Jabba’s AK > JJ. I was embarrassed for them both.
I made the first break with 2850 in chips, but after a few orbits of 95o-ish hands and a nice “raise, whiff, continue, fold to raise” effort by me our table broke and I was moved to a new table with 2000-ish. As soon as I sat down—middle position or so—a guy directly to my right pushed. I haven’t even stored my backpack under the seat, but pick up KK and called. Oddly enough, KK > A8o and I doubled up to 4600-ish.
A few hands later, I had Q8o in BB. SB, the same guy who pushed on me with A8o, completed. Flop came Q9x and he led out with 200 bet into a 600 pot. “What is that?” I thought and banged it up to 700. I figured he’d insta-fold his 9, but he shoved—not exactly what I was hoping for. I thought for a second, ruled out a set, concluded that looked like JT or a crappy Q and called. Sure enough, he showed Q4o. Nice…I’m 2:1 to double up. Runner runner, paired board. As the dealer was splitting the chips, Q4o donk brayed, “I didn’t know you had a monster. Sorry.” Ugh.
A few hands later, the same guy limped and I raised to 800 with 99. Flop came AJT with two spades and he insta-shoved. I can’t even imagine what hand he was playing there, but I’m guessing my nines were behind.
An orbit or so later, I doubled up with AT when a big stack called my pre-flop raise and T high flop shove with 88. The table broke shortly thereafter and I headed to table 31 with 8000 chips when I saw it…
The Beast
We were still at 100/200/25 and I was feeling good about my stack, call it 8400 chips, when a water buffalo in a Full Tilt fisherman’s hat limped from EP. Her size alone would give most guys pause but she compounded her presence by chewing gum/reeds/whatever with her mouth agape. I was nauseated, of course, but composed myself and raised to 700 with A

7

. The table collapsed back to the beast, who stopped chewing long enough to count out a call. The flop was 7

6

4

and she tapped a hoof on the table, still chewing. I tried my best to block the image and bet out for 2000. Back to her, she gave me a look like I’d made a move toward her feedbag and shoved. I asked for a count but concluded she pretty much had me covered.
I’d like to say I thought out the full range of hands this masticator could have, but to be honest, I just wanted the wretched site out of my mind. I rationalized that given my stack and hers and the action, top top was no good and mucked the hand. Adanther, nath et al. later ridiculed the decision, but at the time I felt like Roy Munson confronted by his landlady in Kingpin. I just wanted it over.
A few hands later, still nauseous, I dodged a bullet when I folded 77 to an UTG raise and MP shove. An orbit or so later with the blinds at 150/300/25, I raised to 900 with AKo UTG. An old timer called 600 from BB. I whiffed the flop but re-raised to 1800 when he led out with 400 into the 2000+ pot. Did I mention that that’s a real hand like, never? Due respect to Super System, of course.
Fast forward to 200/400/50. I’m UTG + 3 with 6600 chips. I raised to 1200 with 66. Uber-tight guy behind me shoved and it’s back to me, another 5000 to call. Hmmm…have you even played a hand in over an hour, sir? Uh, no thanks.
At this point, a big stack joined the table in the #10 seat just in time to post. UTG (number #1 seat) open-raised to 1600. Table folded around and the big stack called. Flop brought all low diamonds. BB checked and UTG shoved for well over 10,000 chips. BB stood up, clearly agitated, re-checked his hand and the board. “I guess I have to call.” he said and turned over J

8

for the flopped the flush. “Yes,” I’m thinking. “Yes, you do. No way a big diamond flush pushes there.” Sure enough, UTG showed QQ, no diamonds. One minute, he was the #2 stack at the table. Next minute, he was headed to the rail as a 45:1 dog from the flop. Nice work.
An orbit or so later, I was short with 4000 and it’s folded to me with ATo on DB. I shove con gusto and a medium stack called and showed Ac7x. T on the flop (nice!), two clubs. Runner runner clubs and I’m flushed from the tournament. Lovely.
Nath confronts a crustacean
After I busted, I met up with Adanthar and nath, both of whom had beaten me to the rail. We headed over to Buzio’s, the Rio's fish restaurant, picking up mlagoo, SuperfluousMan, et al. along the way. It was about 6:30p, well before the dinner rush, so I thought we’d be eating by 6:45p easy. Nope. Since we were obvious degenerates, the hostesses brushed off our request for a table for "6 or so, maybe more…" with open disdain. As we reviewed our options, I stepped back to the podium, gave one of the hostesses a hundie and asked her to keep us in mind if another party didn't show. Most staffers in Las Vegas respect a nice note signed by the Secretary of the Treasury and these harlots were no exception. They found us a spot in less than a minute.
Dinner was somewhat uneventful other than being howled at for my fold to the Full Tilt heifer (“You had top top!” “It’s live! People suck live!”) and watching nath try to figure out how to eat a lobster. None of us had eaten all day so we pretty much tore up the bread basket like we’d just been released from prison. Drinks, appetizers followed by more reflection on the unseemly play we’d all witnessed earlier.
There was an awkward moment when the waitress brought nath’s entrée, a lobster roughly the size of a small dog. I grew up in Maine and have probably eaten more lobster than hotdogs. Nath, though, looked at his entrée with the look of a man who’s seen a duck speak. Taking the initiative, I cracked the bastard open (the lobster, not nath) and set him upon it. Dude, by the way, that green stuff isn’t wasabi.
After dinner, there was some talk of credit card roulette but this was the day BEFORE mlagoo’s Sunday Millions score, so I waved everyone off and settled up. Part of the group wanted to go play craps, but kong and I wanted to torture ourselves in a couple more satellites. Before we split, kong flagged down a casino patron to take this photo. Although it looks like a Civil War era lithograph, it was, in fact, taken in June of this year.
Left to right…EdmondDantes, Adanthar, mlagoo, SuperfluousMan, nath, [player to be name later] and lakong
Back to the grind
Lakong and I headed back to the Amazon room to play a couple of single table satellites. Once again, the $525s were seating quickly. In the first one, I was in the #10 seat, with Tony Ma was two to my right. Kong sat across the table in the #6 seat.
On the first hand, I busted the #9 seat…by mistake. I was UTG with AKo and tossed out a 100 chip intending to raise. Oops. Three callers including the BB. The BB led out for 100 on the K high flop and I raised to 350. Back to him, he shoved. Eww. I thought for a second, figured that was too strong to be a set or two pair and called. He showed KQo, didn’t improve and I doubled up.
Play was, once again, stupid soft. I twice saw flopped nut flushes check/checked to river. Ma busted out with 6A446 board after another gripping flop check/check turn check/check sequence when he made an inspired re-raise all-in on the river…with air…and was called by guy with a crappy A. It was like watching the opening sequence of the old Wide World of Sports in which Vinko Bogataj crashes spectacularly without even clearing the ramp.
<object width="425" height="([0-9]+)"><param name="movie" value="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)"><\/param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><\/param><embed src="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)" type="application\/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="([0-9]+)" height="([0-9]+)"><\/embed><\/object>
As it turns out, Ma at least made good use of his time. On the other hand, I managed to waste a little under two hours by working down my nice stack until three-handed when I pushed from DB with A2o and was promptly called by BB with A6o. 2 on the flop (the thrill of victory!), 6 on the turn (the agony of defeat!) and I was out. Ship the stretcher.
Disgusted by that showing, I did what any proven degenerate would do—I signed up for another. This one had the same woman who cracked my A2o with A6o and a friend of hers seated at the table. I was once again in the #10 seat and directly to my right was a short guy (maybe 5’ tall) wearing a top hat, sitting on two stacked seat cushions. He looked a bit like the town gadfly in High Plains Drifter* or Dr. Miguelito Loveless, the psychotic midget in the old Wild Wild West TV series.
The first level was uneventful other than me raising UTG with AKo (indeed, raising this time), continuing and being blown off the hand by re-raise shove. That and a guy who said this was his first live tournament, flopping quads with pocket aces and flopping a boat with pocket queens AND stacking another player both times. Oh, and another girl drawing AA twice and doubling up both times. Other than those hands, the first level was pretty standard.
It got a little interesting with the blinds at 25/50, when Dr. Loveless limp/called a raise to 200 by a woman in the #4 seat. The flop brought all low cards and he quickly shoved for 1700. The woman looked for a second and called, tabling AA. He showed…KTo? After he slunk from the table in shame, the other woman in the #5 seat commented, "He only did that because you were a woman.” No, hon, he only did that because he was a moron.
As I mentioned in an earlier blog, these 525s are stupid soft. If you wait for a spot, you can easily get it in as a 3 or 4 to 1 favorite. I folded to the third level (50/100), when an EP raiser made it 325 to go on my blind. I looked down at KK…ok…here’s my spot. I paused for effect and then pushed for 1800 hoping to look weak. As it was, no Hollywooding was necessary, the EP raiser called instantly with QQ. Excellent. First card off on the flop was a Q, however, and I was out. Not so excellent.
I’d had enough carnage for one day and headed back to lakong’s room to crash on the couch. The couch folded out into a bed—a mattress bowl, more accurately. It wouldn’t have been bad, but the A/C was blowing directly on me all night. I spent the better part of the night shivering, with outside temperatures around 90 degrees or so.
The next morning we headed over to Starbucks to find a decent internet connection and ended up camping out there until noon or so when the infinite loop of the new Paul McCartney album got to be unbearable. Kong decided to play the mixed NL/limit event at 5p so we grabbed a bite at the Palms before I headed off to the airport and back to LA.
Overall, I guess I’d say I was happy with my play but disgusted with the results, an increasingly common WSOP result for me. I’m still haunted by my confrontation with the water buffalo, but watching the ongoing comedy of live play, meeting mlagoo before he got all huge with his Sunday Millions win and witnessing a one on one between nath and a lobster made the trip worth it. I guess.
Still looking to get even,
Edmond
*That character, Mordecai, was played by Billy Curtis, a veteran actor in Hollywood whose role credits ranged from playing an original munchkin in the Wizard of Oz (and, according to legend, hit on Dorothy constantly) to Mayor McCheese from the inception of the character by McDonalds until his death. McDonalds retired the character after his passing in the late 1980s.
<object width="425" height="([0-9]+)"><param name="movie" value="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)"><\/param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><\/param><embed src="http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/v\/(.*)" type="application\/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="([0-9]+)" height="([0-9]+)"><\/embed><\/object>