I’m normally a pretty calm guy. It’s something I pride myself on, since I very rarely feel anything from poker outside very slight annoyance or disappointment. Lately though something about me has been off. I’ve been more short tempered, tired, and quickly frustrated not only when I play poker, but in life. Today didn’t help things.

The day started bad before I even woke up. I had a vivid nightmare where I was being hunted through a mall by Ugandan dictator Idi Amin as played by Forest Whitaker with the intent of killing me. I managed to escape the mall by disguising myself in a fat suit, hat, and glasses, but the panic felt real. Yes, I watched ‘The Last King of Scotland’ last night.

I was woken up before I’d gotten enough sleep by Bondgirl telling me I needed to get ready for the family dinner we were due at in half an hour. I dragged my tired ass out of bed and jumped in the shower dreading what lay before me. I actually like and get along with Bondgirl’s parents. However, family functions are a fucking pain. It’s normally a group of about ~10 and I’m the only non Chinese speaker there. The family sits around speaking Mandarin while I zone out and try to think happy thoughts like Brett Favre throwing touch downs or any sketch from Chapelle’s how. Every now and then someone will say something followed by my name, then everyone will laugh and look at me with some kind of expectation to which I’ll blankly respond with “What?”
The first time I went to a family function the passive-aggressive asshole uncle thought it’d be funny to try and sabotage me. I’d done my best to try many of the various dishes but there was one Bondgirl told me I should absolute avoid since I’d likely vomit if I tried it, the 100 year old egg. The egg’s are apparently buried in the ground and left there for a while or something to that affect, but either way they look like rotten eggs that might be poisonous. When Bondgirl stepped away from the table for a moment the uncle saw his chance. He grabbed the tray of eggs, stood up from the table, walked over and placed it squarely in my face.
“You try!” He said, with a phony good cheer smile.
I debated ‘keeping it real’ and telling him to “Get that mother fucking egg out of my face before I use my chop sticks to jam it up your ass” but seeing as this was my first time at such a function it seemed like that’d likely result in a case of ‘when keeping it real goes wrong’. I decided to play hardball instead; I grabbed the egg, jammed it into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed without flinching despite the God awful taste then politely muttered “It’s a bit strong for me.”
“Haha! Yes! Very strong!”

That night was also my first chance to have a talk with Bondgirl’s oldest cousin Steven. Steven’s a fun loving guy who talks like he fell out of the movie ‘Dude Where’s My Car?’ Despite being 100% Asian he described to me his absolute hatred for Asians, and as he says “If I could I’d wipe them off the planet.” Charming boy really.

The youngest cousin, 9 year old Kevin, is a real treat though. He’s the type of precocious kid you think only exist in movies and is at that age where he’s starting to figure things out but totally devoid of understanding social taboo. As a result, he says whatever comes to his mind, which is awesome to listen to. He was asking Bondgirl about playing poker for a living while sitting next to me tonight, and we had the following exchange:
Kevin: My teacher told us that it takes 5 years to get good enough at poker to make money. She used to be a gambling addict.
Bond: Is you’re teacher a he or she?
Kevin: A she.
Bond: Your teacher has no idea what she’s talking about Kevin.
Bondgirl: Well maybe she just meant it takes years of practice before you get any good?
Bond: Or maybe she’s just a degenerate who has no clue?
Kevin: Yea she’s a blonde and she’s really dumb!
*Pause for laughter*
Kevin: We learned about sex too.
Bond: Really? What’d you learn?
Kevin: About penises, and testicles, and sperm.
Bond: Yep, pretty standard stuff. How old are you?
Kevin: Nine!
Bond: Awesome.
Sucks to know one day he’ll start thinking before he speaks, I could listen to that shit all day.

Outside my conversation with Kevin, the dinner was otherwise the standard two hour zone out. Of additional annoyance was the fact that this particular Chinese restaurant did not serve rice whatsoever, despite being a buffet. For those of you from the States or other places with mostly nationalized Asian food, you take it for granted that a meal at an Asian restaurant would come with heaps of rice. It’s lesser known though, that many Chinese families elect not to order rice when they go out to dinner since it’s often a special occasion and filling up on rice which they otherwise eat all too regularly, seems like a waste of space. When it comes to me though, I love rice with my Asian food, and not getting it is an impediment to the whole meal. Even though I’d been out plenty of times where nobody else wanted to order rice, it was always available.

After dinner we went out to our car which had recently been having some form of gear box trouble where it refused to change gears mid driving and you’d have to turn it off and sit in the middle of the street praying it works again when you turn it back on (it only started yesterday, but had done it a couple of times since.) Within 30 seconds of driving the gear box shut down again and this time refused to turn back on while we were in the direct middle of the street blocking traffic. It took ten minutes of attempted start ups before it got going and let us get home. We examined under the hood when we arrived home and found the oil cap on the engine was missing, resulting in oil being spewed out an enormous rate, covering the engine and inside of the hood. When we measured the oil the dip was at about 30% of what was considered the minimum. I’m praying a couple days like this haven’t done serious damage to the gear box.

After that was sorted my friends Dave and Joel came over so we could all play the midnight Pacific Poker 3 million guarantee. It started very well for me and I took the 5k starting stack and turned it into over 16,000 within the first hour. Several hours later I was well above average with 38,000 at 500/1000 and not too far from the money. I open raised AA to 2500 in MP2 and the button with 70k 3 bet me to 7500. The blinds folded and I called. The flop came T97 and I check shoved over his 10k which he snap called with TT, then turned the fourth T for emphasis. Awesome.

I also played a $500 WSOP satellite on Pacific with 4 seats guaranteed and made the final table. I raised TT utg with 15 BB’s, got flatted in EP, then the SB decided to come along as well. The flop came 832 and I got it in vs the SB who had me a brilliant pre flop call with 88 getting way, way more than the implied odds on a set he needed verse my 15 BB stack. Way more, I assure you.

After that I got 3 handed for a WSOP Seat at Mansion Poker, with 2nd and 3rd getting nothing. I was against two awful opponents sitting 2nd in chips with 36k at 400/800, not far behind the chip leader who had about 40k. Mansions software is pretty much the ultimate piece of shit, and when you select the raise size box to type over what’s pre selected it doesn’t delete the number that’s already there, it adds to it. Because of this you need to be very careful to delete the number in the box first before typing the bet size you’re looking for. At one point I attempted to raise J8o on the button to my standard 2000, and made sure to delete the raise size already in the box. Through some fucking disastrous chance, a ‘0’ stays in the box and my bet was fired out at 20,000. The BB naturally shoves and with over 60% of my stack in the middle I’m forced to call. He tables KK and that’s a good game for me. My rage at this mistake shifted between the God fucking awful cocksucking piece of shit software that is Mansion poker, and myself for not double checking before firing the bet out.

Combine all this with a number of other frustrating but far less interesting or dramatic beats I took in pretty much every tournament I played all night which resulted in my current state; ‘permatilt’, to the level that I write a blog entry that is basically one massive bad beat bitch fest. How mature.

Online poker is over for me, at least for the time being. I’m temporarily retired. Sure there’s a ton of massive value tournaments tomorrow, including the $500 buy in Sunday Million, and I’m finally on the appropriate sleep schedule to play them. Fuck it though, I’m tired of this. All I’m going to do until my departure on Wednesday is write, get high, play call of duty, and watch movies. I want to go into this trip with a clear head, and if not clear, I prefer it jammed up with THC than jammed up with frustration over poker.

Anonymous says

I've heard about those eggs :) nasty stuff. Gobbo and I drove up to O'Hare (2 hours) with the oil cap off once- doing 85mph on the expressway- it started drizzling so I turned on the wipers and hit the fluid button. Slimy oil completely covered the windshield and the fluid hose was clogged and dysfunctional. Had to lean my head out the window- still doing 85- completely blocked in by those concrete things on the side, and cars in front and back also doing 85. Survived somehow, goddamn mess under the hood though.

Have a great trip Tony.

04/27/08

lakong says

Bond, not sure I "get" why the flat call by the SB with 88 was so bad. I created a forum post on it. Can you comment on that post so we can have a discussion on it?

forum post on 88 sb hand

04/28/08

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