In the Pocketfives justice system, all defendants are extremely guilty at the moment of accusation, but considerably more guilty after confession, after which they’re pretty much just hated on for a while. These are their stories.

*While the jury is in seclusion, the crowd chatters and mumbles about the events that have taken place. Some argue about what the interview will say, whether Imper1um should be banned, and whether it was acceptable to out Andy Mcleod. Judge Adam sits in the center looking exhausted, while Imper1um shifts nervously in his chair, sweating profusely. Bond18 stands up from his seat and begins to address Judge Adam*

Bond18: So uh, Judge Adam, with Andy Mcleod being banned and all does that mean he’s taken off the rankings? Like, do I become number 1 in Australia, by default and what not?

Judge Adam: Yes, I suppose so.

Bond18: Sweet! A whole continent! I can’t wait to call everyone I’ve ever met about this, boo yah!

Judge Adam: Uh, I really don’t think they’ll care.

Bond18: Oh yea? Just wait until they see the trophy I’m gonna build myself. *He walks out of his row and down the aisle towards the exit, pumping his fist in the air* DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT!

*Somewhere in the audience Timex puts his hands on his head in despair*
Timex: God, why did I back that fucking idiot?

*The jury reenters the courtroom from seclusion*
Judge Adam: Jury, have you reached a verdict?

Speaker: We have not your honor. We are at a deadlock.

Judge Adam: I see. This trial will be postponed until further evidence can be presented.

Inissint: Is that even allowed?

Judge Adam: Hey, just roll with me here okay? *He knocks his gavel* Court dismissed.

December 5th, 9:26pm, Pocketfives Courtroom
*Judge Adam knocks his gavel*
Judge Adam: I recall to order the case of the People vs Imper1um, 2007. Mr.
Yourtimeisup of the prosecution, it has come to my attention you have a highly pertinent witness?

Yourtimeisup: That’s right your honor. The prosecution calls poker journalist John Caldwell to the stand.

*John Caldwell walks confidently to the stand with a small recording device in hand. The bailiff comes over with a sheepish look on his face.*

Bailiff: Uh your honor, I seem to have lost our copy of Super System.

Judge Adam: You did what?

Bailiff: But it’s okay, I brought this copy of ‘Play Poker Like the Pro’s’ by Phil Hellmuth, so we’re good to go on right?

Judge Adam: You’re fired… and, upon further consideration, I’m also sentencing you to the death penalty for the desecration of this courtroom with your smut.

Bailiff: I understand completely sir. I’ll take myself out back and dig a hole.

He exits the room

Judge Adam: Mr. Yourtimeisup, you may continue.

Yourtimeisup: Mr. Caldwell, I understand you conducted an interview with the defendant.

John Caldwell: Well I’m not quite sure you can really call what I have here an interview.

Yourtimeisup: How do you mean?

John Caldwell: Well, I feel that this tape is pretty self explanatory. If it’s alright I’ll play this recording I have that Mr. Mizzi left me on my answering machine.

Yourtimeisup: Yes by all means.

John Caldwell: Clink this link to hear what Mr. Imper1um left on my answering machine:



Random in crowd: I KNEW IT! I KNEEEEW IT!
Random #2: FUCKING CHEATERS! I’M GONNA MAKE THREATENING PHONE CALLS TO THEIR PLACES OF WORK!
Random #3: BURN HIM! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!
*The headless corpse of BrSavage seems to shake violently for a brief moment.*

Inissint: What? You did it?

Imper1um: Yeeeeeea… sorry about that.

Inissint: From now on you tell me everything.

Judge Adam: Order! Order damn it! My lord that’s quite a stirring recording.

Yourtimeisup: Your honor, the prosecution has no further questions. As it’s recently come to my attention that we don’t rest after each witness, I guess I’ll just go sit my ass down. Your witness defense.

*Inissint walks to the center of the room, looks up at John Caldwell then pauses, and stands motionless and awkward for a moment before speaking*

Inissint: Man, I am so fucked. I really do rest this time.

Judge Adam: You may leave the stand Mr. Caldwell, thank you for your time. If that is all then at this time I will ask the jury to enter seclusion and decide on a on verdict.

The jury lines up and leaves the room, then returns after quite some time.

Judge Adam: Well that took longer than expected. Has the jury reached a verdict?

Speaker: We have your honor. We the jury, find the defendant, Imper1um, innocent on all charges.

*Judge Adam’s jaw drops as Imper1um leaps in the air, does a massive fist pump, then high fives a confused looking Inissint*

Yourtimeisup: What the fuck is this shit!?

Imper1um: Eat it bitches! I just value bet the jury!

Speaker: Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a Mercedes dealership to get to.
*The Jury stands and quickly exits the court room*

Inissint: You bribed them?

Imper1um: I might be wearing pajamas, but I’m sure as hell not poor.

Inissint: Wow. Well, let me just say, as a lawyer…I am so proud of you! You found a way to cut through the red tape, you’re a true symbol of the self made American dream.

Imper1um: I’m Canadian.

Inissint: Who gives a fuck, you guys are just America junior anyway. Conversely, I’ll be billing you in Canadian dollars then.

Imper1um: NOOOO! I’M BROKE! *He breaks down in tears* WHY GOD!? WHY!? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?

*Inissint drags a bawling Imper1um out of the courtroom, after which the stunned onlookers quietly shuffle out, leaving only Yourtimeisup and Judge Adam*

Judge Adam: You think we’ll ever hear from him again?

Yourtimeisup: Are you kidding? He’ll probably win a quarter million next week or something. Man all this shit is so stupid and pointless.

Judge Adam: Oh really?… Hmm, why haven’t I banned you yet?

Yourtimeisup: You know… I wonder that myself a lot.

THE END

Tonylee2402 (Anonymous) says

Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.

12/11/07

Anonymous says

wow

12/11/07

Anonymous says

That is hilarious! I almost spit out my soda when I read this line:

Imper1um: Eat it bitches! I just value bet the jury!

- schneid

12/11/07

Anonymous says

yo da man bond, luv the value bet line too

12/12/07

harlem says

I've said before, where the hell do you get this stuff from. Good shit!!!!

12/12/07

Log in with your TwoRags.com account. Click here to register. Email: Password: Remember log-in information