Upcoming Live Poker Part 2
by Bond18 on 03/16/08
With my live poker trip fast approaching and a new season of live poker in front of us I thought it was time again to discuss the upcoming live poker across the world and what you should do while there. Make sure to join me in these activities if you see me around the tournaments, not like you should be concentrating on poker or anything.Event: 2008 Irish Poker Open
When: March 19-24
Where: Citywest Hotel, Dublin
What to do while visiting: A tournament in Ireland huh, I bet you think I’m gonna make a ‘the Irish are all drunks’ joke. Well you’d be dead wrong, I don’t have to make a joke, I can just tell the truth. Here’s a quote from defending Irish champion Marty Smyth about whether he feels pressure defending his title: “I’m just going to enjoy the weekend, and I’ll probably spend most of the first day drunk. If I get through to the second day, maybe I’ll start to think about doing well. If I don’t, I’ll spend most of the weekend drunk.” You can’t make this shit up.
How to pick up the locals: When the girl you’re interested in wakes from her whiskey induced stupor greet her with “Top of the morning to ya!” and go from there, no matter what time of day it is.
Event: 2008 EPT San Remo
When: April 1-5
Where: Casino San Remo
What to do while visiting: Attend the wedding of a mafia dons daughter. Ask him to kill whoever you like least in the poker world. He’ll start in with this whole “This I cannot do” speech so I plan to bring a canoli to entice him. With Timex dead the make ups off, boo yah.
How to pick up the locals: Open with “Avete un sorriso grazioso quanto il Mona Lisa e un asino dolce quanto Sofia Loren” Italian for “You have a smile as pretty as the Mona Lisa and an ass as sweet as Sofia Loren.” Malto bene!
Event: WPT Championship
When: April 1-26
Where: Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas
What to do while visiting: Recruit ten of your best looking, charming and most smart wise cracking friends to plan an elaborate robbery of the Bellagio vault. This’ll take weeks of planning and millions of dollars in funding, and if the slightest thing goes wrong you’re all fucked. That or you could just mug whoever wins the main event in the parking lot, but that’s kind of lacking in flair don’t you think?
How to pick up the locals: Open with “How much for 4 minutes and 30 seconds?” Well how much improvement did you expect in 6 months?
Event: 2008 EPT Grand Final Monte Carlo
When: April 12-17
Where: Monte Carlo Bay Hotel and Casino Resort
What to do while visiting: The casino has a dress code so since you’re a poker player and your most formal piece of clothing is a stained tuxedo T-shirt I recommend going out and buying a nice suit. You’re in Monte Carlo though, so it’s going to cost three times the tournament buy in.
How to pick up the locals: If the Bond movies have taught me anything this should be exceptionally easy. All the women in Monte Carlo have names like ‘Ivana Humpalot’, ‘Xenia Onatopp’ and ‘Slutlana Slutovich’. Don’t waste your time with Slutlana though; turns out she’s actually a prude.
Event: 2008 WSOP Circuit event Caesars Palace Las Vegas
When: April 20-May 1
Where: Caesars Las Vegas
What to do while visiting: Caesars is known for having one of the best spa facilities in all of Las Vegas. Go up stairs and refresh yourself with a nice facial, a manicure, a pedi….hey now, there’s nothing gay about good hygiene. Not like the Greek men were known for running around banging each other or anything.
How to pick up the locals: Buy a Caesar costume then wander the casino floor asking girls “Would you like to see the emperor’s new clothes?” Women love a man in uniform and children’s literature references turned into creepy innuendo.
Event: 2008 Grand Prix De Paris
When: May 2-18
Where: Aviation Club de France
What to do while visiting: Prove to the French that not all Americans are boorish loudmouths by honoring them with the Jerry Lewisesque over the top comedy they enjoy. Tell nobody your intention, then on day 1 of the event show up to the table wearing a US flag shirt unbuttoned half way down with a small cooler full of ice and Miller Lite under your arm. Whenever you win a pot, even of the slightest insignificance, leap up from the table screaming “FUCK YEA! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW FROGGY!?!” then chug two of your beers and fist pump you arm 37 times while thrusting your pelvis into the air in front of you.
How to pick up the locals: Do what Ethan Hawke did; find the blandest looking woman around and spend all night having the most boring and pretentious conversation with her possible until you reach the point you just wish you could stab Richard Linklater already.
Event: APPT Macau.
When: Probably May 6. Probably.
Where: I don’t know. STARS WON’T FUCKING TELL ME.
What to do while visiting: Simulate the World War 1 chemical warfare experience by walking around outside for about 15 minutes.
How to pick up the locals: Heh, if you can have a conversation in Macau with a man and go longer than 5 minutes without him recommending a whore house to you I’ll give you a gold sticker.
Event: LAPT Costa Rica
When: May 22-24
Where: Ramada Plaza Herradura
What to do while visiting: Do what everyone else does in Central America, cut down some rainforest. When in Rome baby. Bonus points if you extinct a species.
How to pick up the locals: Latin women are known for their fiery tempers, so make sure to cool them down by throwing your drink on them before you open your mouth.
Event: 2008 World Series of Poker
When: May 30-July 17
Where: The Rio Hotel Las Vegas
What to do while visiting: Blow 60,000 dollars of your underage backers money. Spend the next year laughing about it.
How to pick up the locals: The guy to girl ratio at the WSOP has gotta be something like 500 to 1. Are you Patrick Antonius? No? I don’t like your chances.
Comments
lakeoffire says
I liked this one better than the first.03/17/08
LaLa (Anonymous) says
Great post... keep it up03/17/08
Tiltshark (Anonymous) says
Haha! This is hilarious! Keep going like this! :D03/17/08
foulky says
Funniest blog ever! Absolutely priceless.03/19/08
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