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There's a live $330 Freezeout coming up this weekend, and there was a satellite for it tonight at 7PM. I show up at 7:05 and ask if I can buy in late, to which they say no. I ask how many empty seats are there, and she says 1. This means that they will be paying off 1 seat, and 2nd place is $40 short of a second seat. I think to myself "try to figure out if this makes sense" but fail to see any logic in it. I guess I'm out of touch. Some old guy even looks at me and then the pitboss and says "Oh good, we have one more! Now we can pay 2 seats!" which causes everyone else to look up at me and then the pitboss and perk up. Sorry guys. "Great..." I'm thinking to myself sarcastically. "Finally decide to not grind online for once. Leave the house and the first person I run in to is a complete cheesedick." Someone tells me as I'm turning to leave that there will be a cash game starting up in about an hour.

So whatever, I drive around aimlessly for an hour and decide to buy Heavy Rain for PS3 before coming back to the casino to sit at a 1/2NL table. As I walk in, I have my iPod in one ear on shuffle, and the song happens to be CM Punks entry theme/ Killswitch Engage screaming. I'm scruffy and unkempt, and oddly jacked up and ready to crush. I yell "WOO!" to nobody in particular. Someone tells me not to yell in the casino. I give her the wink and the gun and say "you got it." as I'm sitting down, despite my every intention of winning a giant pot and yelling again whilst still in the casino.
There are still a bunch of people kind of talking about busting the satellite (OMG bad beats wahhh), plus a couple of old men, so I'm pretty sure I'm just going to win enough playing cash to buyin straight to the tourney, though I'm still just going to buy in to it anyway irregardless of how much I win tonight. I sit with $200 and automatically cover the entire table. Doesn't take me that long to get involved since I'm a spazz.

Effective stacks of bb and utg- $120, I cover.
UTG is a young guy that I've met somewhere before and might have played with once but I don't remember. I think I would have remembered playing with him before, but idk. BB is unknown, probably 35-40yo.
UTG limps, 2 folds, MP1 limps, 1 fold, CO limps, I look down at 7c5c and limp behind, sb folds somehow, bb checks.
Flop- 2c5s8s.
Checks around.
Turn- As.
Checks to me, I stab for some reason-- $7 in to 12 or 13 or w/e. BB flats, UTG flats, folds around.
River- 2s.
Checks around to me, I bet $32 in to $39 as a bluff, since I think everything that doesn't lead river folds to my second barrel. A hand with Ks or Qs (maybe Js?) calls, but I think they lead the river with that.
To this point (~10 hands), UTG had limped in to a lot of pots and called flops fairly light, but with a paired board and 4 spades I thought I could get him to fold all 1 pair hands, a 2 if he had it, and like a Ts or worse. I also didn't think BB would call me light with UTG behind him, so basically I'm trying to fold out the Js.
BB folds rather quickly, UTG takes forever and then says "Ugh, I was hoping to just check it down when I called the turn. I would have folded to a river bet but I made trips on the end." So he clearly has a 2x without a FH.
He flips a coin and calls. I say "Good call. 5." He says "a 5 with what?" as if the kicker mattered, and then he tables J2o.

An orbit later, 1 limp, 1 fold, 1 limp, I limp with Jc8c. BTN folds, SB limps , BB checks (BB being the youngish guy from last hand). I cover the whole table again with like $165, they all have ~100.
Flop KsJh8d.
SB checks, BB bets $14 in to $10, folds to me, I ask how much he's playing. He says he has another ~$85, and to "Just go all in, I'll call, and then we can turn 'em up and count the money later."
I say "yeah okay, I'm all in." Folds quickly around to BB, he snaps with KTo.
Turn- Ts.
"Meh" I say to nobody in particular.
River- Jd
"Amirite?" I say, again to nobody in particular.

At this point, I'm sitting on like $275, with the buy-in for that tourney being $330. I tell myself that if I can run this up to ~$450 then I'm just going stand up and leave, and use that to straight buy-in to the tourney tonight. I limp behind a couple times and stab, raise a few and c-bet vs. old people a couple times, and raise a few times only to get 6 flats and whiff, so I'm sitting on $315 when the following hand comes up, still covering the table.

Guy busts the satellite the next table over with AA, buys in over here and posts blind in MP1 or MP2. UTG limps, 1 fold, UTG+2 (~40YO from the first hand) makes it $7. 1 fold, poster flats, 2 folds, guy to my right (had just sat down 10 minutes prior and has already rebought, looks like Chris Moneymaker) flats from the SB, I flat 4c4s from BB, UTG calls with like $13 behind. Beyond UTG, we're all like $100 effective, give or take 10.

Flop-Kd4d3s (5 players)
SB donks $13 and I have no idea what to do, since raising folds out everything I get value from with 3 others behind. Then I turn my brain back on and make it $47 so as to not price in FD's. AA and AK still jam (K5s might too lol). Folds back around to SB, he flats to put exactly half of his stack in the pot.
Turn- Qh.
He checks, I think about putting him in for his last $45, but then realize that he might fold if I do that, so I bet $18 since I have 3 $1 chips amongst my veritable sea of $5's, and this sets up a nice 1/46th pot river bet. He flats.
River- 8x.
He bets his last $23 or w/e, I obv call and roll over 44. He tells me that he thought I was drawing, and mucks.

Fast forward a while, I raise every other hand and got 3 bet a couple times. I fold most, but flat once with 98s after 4 cold-callers, but c/f on ATQhhh. I then successfully minraise 64s UTG and get 9 folds, immediately thinking that this will be a necessary addition to my repertoire.

Half an hour goes by and I don't really do much. 4 limps to me, I pop red 99 to $14 from the CO, and get 4 calls. Kx6c4c, checks to me, I pick up 3 red $5 chips and stack them on top of 24 $1 chips as I slide a giant mess of $39 in. I immediately hate myself for betting, and get what I deserve when BB crams his last $62 total. Folds around to me, I decide that he could have a flush draw/bottom two at least one in five times, so I kiss a $25 chip and throw it in the pot, much to everyone's entertainment. He has KcQx and holds. Idk, that might be a fold getting 6:1 or whatever I'm getting. I'm just a tourney donk.

I'm about ready to leave, and tell myself that I'm just going to play until my next BB, which is another 5-6 hands. As hand #2 is being dealt, this old guy Brent sits in and I almost ejaculate in my pants. No way am I leaving. Dude is a massive station/POW/government employee/bad mustache victim. I play every pot Brent plays and just brick every flop, while he makes pairs. While this is going on, people are kind of noticing this and flatting us a lot, and one guy squeezes us twice in the span of about 6 hands, I fold both, meh. He shows JJ the second time.

Couple hands after the 2nd squeeze. Effective stacks- UTG- ~$275, Me- $350, HJ- $100, BTN- $163.
The squeezer opens to $12 UTG. Folds to me, I look down at black Q's and 3b to $37 from the CO. Guy to my left (who won the satellite somehow, but is now stuck well over the price of the seat, having bought in for $100 4 times now in the last hour) overflats. With ~$85 in the middle, button jams $163 total. Button is an older guy who had made a few spewy calls a while ago, (along with flatting an EP raise with QQ only to snap muck face up to a cbet on KK5), but hasn't really done much in a while. Folds back to me and I brainfart that button can possibly have JJ/TT/AKs/J4ss and call for some reason. Guy to my left is thinking about his last $70 for a solid 3 minutes, and finally folds KTo face up as if he had and Ace and a Joker. A in the door and I'm mad at myself, back down to ~$225.

I'm pretty upset with myself so I down my water and go for a pee. When I come back, the waitress is just coming to the table. I went to high school with her and we were kind of friends with each others' friends, so friends by default I guess, though I've said exactly 2 words to her since highschool. I had made out with her once at a party, and had always kind of wanted to bang her. I actually thought we might end up getting together a few years ago, but I ended up getting involved with someone else within that circle of friends instead, whom I dated until my 2nd year of university, so that was a no-go.
This ended up being good for me since the Freshman 15 happened to come at least twice for miss waitress.

Fast forward ~5 years to tonight- I see her working and she has clearly lost all of that weight and then some. She asks if anyone wants drinks. I ask if beers come in draft or bottle, to which she replies bottle. WTF kind of casino serves bottles? IDK why I even asked, but Fuck you, I either want a draft or nothing. Anyway, I say no thanks. She finishes going around the table, then looks at me again and says "are you sure you don't want anything?"
I say "Yeah what the hell, Double Jack and Coke." She says that they don't serve Jack. I quickly facepalm in to my left hand, and say out of the right side of my mouth "Just slip me your phone number then."

As the next hand is being dealt, the guy to my left asks if he had heard me correctly, to which I said something to the effect of "Yeah I was just joking around though, I've known her for 6 or 7 years". She comes back with the 2 beers that were ordered at the other end of the table, then comes back around to my end and slips a folded up coaster on the table beside my stack as she's walking away. I tip her a dollar. The paper says "Shave first, then call. ###-####" Bink. The people at the table are all eyebrow-raisey and half-smiley, despite the turn having just been dealt in a 4 way raised pot. I say "Keep. Gaming." in my best Simpsons impression; I get what I assume is a mixture of people not getting the reference and people not caring. The dealer giggles. I tip him $1 as well.

I spew around for another 20 minutes and miss every flop, and am actually stuck like $30 somehow. Brent opens to $7 utg and I flat MP. Guy to my left ships another $28, having lost the previous hand with K8o in a 3bet pot. Folds back to Brent, he flats, and I jam for his last $90 with AJdd. I'm certain he's 4betting AQ+ and TT+, so I'm pumped when he calls, assuming he has like A8s or 55. I let out a "Awww" when he tables AJ and the A flops and we chop the $28.

I'm ready to leave when the supervisor comes over and says that they're shutting down in 10 minutes, and that we have another 7 hands, so I decide I'll just hang around for those. I raise and take the first, open fold the second, raise and take the third, raise the 4th and get 3bet, so I fold. Around this time, someone mentions that they want us all to stick in 10 blind for the last hand and put out a flop and take it from there (apparently all the regulars at this game do so for the last hand each night). I immediately think about open shipping that flop with ATC. I then verbalize this, and laugh along with them since they assume I'm joking. I fold the next 2 hands, and then everyone agrees to put 10 in pre.

Effective stacks- guys 1 to my right and 1 to my left have like 80, CO and BTN have like $400. Myself and the other 2 people have like $150.
PF- Everyone is in blind for $10. $70 in the pot.
Flop 9c7c5c. BB checks, Old guy beside me has $80 and checks. I jam ~$145, still not having looked, and pull my hood up. 1 fold, guy with ~$150 thinks for a while and calls me a turtle (green hoodie obv). He tank-folds what he later claims to have been an overpair. Folds around and I bask in my free money. I turn over the Th, and then sweat out the Ac lol.

I color up and cash out for $3 profit, which I take to the gas station down the street and put $3 supreme in my Dad's car. I'm certain he'll be thrilled.