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I've been feeling it building for a little while now (actually its probably been a few months but I just havent really acknowledged it until now).

It begins with all the little things ... people walking slowly in front of you down the street (and naturally they take up the whole fucking footpath), somebody says or does something that you dont really like, bad day in traffic, working with people that you dont really like, living with people that you really dont get along with, customers (I work in hospitality) who have no idea what the fuck they want, then they want to split their $30 bill 4 ways AND they all want to pay with credit card (all while you're in the middle of lunch service and they can obviously see that you're busy as fuck!), housemates who continue to put 80 litres of rubbish into a 60 litre bin (just in case its turned into Mary Poppins' fucking bag!), work colleagues who are lazy, messy, not punctual or just plain stupid! ... etc, etc, etc [INSERT] 101 little things that really shit you and condense them all into one day [INSERT]

I've also been finding most mornings when I wake up, that I'm really not looking forward to the day. I really seem to have lost my sense of humour with the world and its definately NOT a good thing! I seem to spend far more time in reaction (to external influences) than I do being pro-active and I'm really finding it very stressful! ... I just snap at people who dont really deserve it (I even sometimes find myself baiting people into an argument so that I can snap at them later), I frown more often than I smile, I tilt so easily on the poker table (playing in a $10 game), I continually find myself having to consciously stop what I'm doing, take 4 or 5 deep breaths and calm the fuck down ... and it all compounded today while I was doing something that I love (playing poker).

I was multi-tabling SnG' and playing in the 10K 1R1A on stars and having a pretty shit run! I was getting 3 outed all over the place, couldnt win a race and just wasnt picking up many good hands, which is normally fine (well its a pain in the arse, but its part of the game).
Anyway, so I'm 15 games in and have only cashed in one, but I have a 70k stack and Im chip leader in my tourney with 175 to go (paying to 90 spots) when the following hand occurs:

http://www.pokerhand.org/?3569847

OMG!! In my fragile mind-set this was enough to make me want to commit homicide!!

This was exactly the sort of shit I'm talking about (and I know it's far from a bad beat, but this was the last straw!), some idiot decides to 'just call' off 40% of his stack with nothing but air to a possible 3-outer (if I had AK) or worse and then he hits his hand and naturally I have to bet the last 13k whick I do and now hes got more chips than me! ... when I had triple his stack at the start of the hand!!!

"What bullshit", I yell angrily at my screen as I unconsciously decide to waste the rest of this tourney with some ridiculous pushes!!

That was hand #176 and it takes me just 5 more hands to unload the rest of my 47k stack before I punch the wall, kick my fit-ball at the door, quickly grab my keys and head out for some air as I feel my heart rate quicken, my stomach in my throat and my fists clench ... my only thought is,

"I have to get out".

"I have to get out of this room, this house, away from everything and I definatley dont wanna talk to anybody".

I just start walking ... through Albert Park, through Port Melbourne and end up on the beach, where I sit to ponder ... but already feeling much better as I feel the cool ocean breeze blowing, but there's also enough sun so that it's not uncomfortable in my t-shirt and shorts.

How do I get out of this rut? How did I get into this rut?? Why am I in this rut??Now that I am in this rut, what am I going to do about it??? ... are all questions that are flowing through my mind as I sit and watch some ship sail off into the horizon.

Let me consider my situation for a second ...
- I'm 30 years old (today)
- I'm single
- I'm debt free (I dont even have a credit card anymore)
- I'm in good health
- I work part-time in hospitality (which I dont love, but I've been doing it for most of my life, I'm good at it and it pays the bills) at a great venue with awesome views, its a 5 min walk from home and I dont work nights or weekends!
- I live in a house with 3 others which I now find quite boring (I live with 3 older people who are lovely, but are more settled in their lives and are just moving in a different direction than I am).
- I havent really had any stable relationship for a while and even my sex life over the past 2 months has been non-existent! (so I'm absolutely sure that sexual frustration plays a part here! ... hellooooo redtube!!).
- I often find myself being much less productive than I would like due to far too many ideas flowing through my head and therefore my focus is spread far too thinly and I end up wasting alot of time! ... which I hate!!
- Im also very easily distracted and find it hard to focus on too many things at once ... in my current environment.
- While I dont have any debts, I also dont own anything either ... the most expensive thing I own is my car and its only worth about 5k.
- I'm 30 today and I really had a belief that 2008 would be a big year for me and I was kind of really waiting for something big to happen ... guess what?? We're nearly at the end of 2008, nothing BIG has happend and to be honest not that much has changed since the end of 2007 :(

I've got dinner on tonight with a few friends and I really dont feel like going, but I'm going to make the effort (since it is my birthday), then I'm going to get up early in the morning and drive down to the country to see my family, I havent seen them for about 6 months and really miss them and I just cant wait to get out of the city for a while and clear my head!!!

To be continued!!